If I die young

I have had this song in my head all day for the last couple of days.  I woke up with it in my head and then saw friends on Facebook talking about it.  It is sad, but beautiful to me for some reason.  It hits really close to home with both Gess and my prognosis.

Even though I knew that Gess had CF and would likely not make it to be an old man, I still never believed that he would die so young.  I wasn't ready for it and it broke my heart.  My heart is still broken. I think that it is healing bit by bit, but it still feels shattered.  I guess in some ways my prognosis gives me solace because I will be with him soon.  But at the same time, it is hard to think of what might have been.

I have given up trying to understand why all of this has happened.  It will never make sense to me and I guess that is okay.  It has to be.  I am focusing on today and trying to enjoy the days I have left.  It it is 1 or 10 or 20 years worth.

I love you Gess.

More bad news

I came home from vacation (more about that later) and jumped right back into cancer land. The day after I got back I had a scan to see if the chemo was working. I had an appointment with my oncologist a few hours later to get the results. Unfortunately my tumors continued to grow during the last rounds of chemo. This means that my cancer has grown through 5 different chemo cocktails! I have always been on overachiever, but this is one area where I wish I wasn't. My oncologist recommended that I try another type of chemo and I decided to go along with the recommendation (as long as the side effects are manageable). He said that after this type he is not as enthusiastic about recommending more chemo. So we asked the obvious question--what is the prognosis if this doesn't work. The verdict--less than a year. I'm still trying to remain optimistic about the new chemo, but also trying to wrap my head around the prognosis. I thought that Gess dying was the worst thing that could happen, but getting cancer 5 months later and having to go through this without him is much worse. I'm trying to make the most of the time I have, but honestly I'm not sure that I'm doing a very good job. I don't really know how to live in this limbo land. I've always gotten through rough times by looking forward to the future, but now I can't do that. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

18 months

It's been 18 months since Gessner died and honestly I thought that it would be easier by now. I'm amazed at the number of times I still think that I need to call him or I wake up and reach for him. The last couple of weeks have been particularly difficult--I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I think that part of it is because I need him so much right now. My friends are great, but they can't take his place. I'm often reminded of how lucky I was to have Gess and to have experienced the type of love that we did, but on these nights that is little consultation. In fact, it seems to make it worse. All I want right now is to curl up in his arms and let him take care of me. Instead I am left to take care of myself--and these days that is difficult. Everything is taking quite a toll on me.